Thursday, June 30, 2011

Warning Signs

Ahhh! How I've missed you little blog and readers. I'm still not sure what to do with this blog, but in the meantime, we've inherited a riding lawn mower. And what could be more interesting than a riding lawn mower? Who doesn't blog about their riding lawn mower? Aren't you glad you stopped by, just to read about it? Wait, don't go! This will be funny I promise.
It needs a new fuel pump, but Mike's pretty excited to try it out. I was excited too, until Mike pointed out these Warning! drawings in the operating manual:
Warning! Your friends will be crushed if they attempt cartwheels near your lawnmower. Also, don't push your friend off the lawnmower while driving it.

Warning! Do not do cartwheels off your lawnmower onto rocks.

Warning! Don't stand on one leg while filling a milk can with gasoline in the back of an old truck.

Warning! Don't magically suspend your lawn mower above your head by conjuring from a book of spells.

Warning! Don't make gasoline ice cream cones while smoking. They will explode.

Warning! The Golden Plates will blind you.

Warning! Uncut grass will prick you and you will die on the eve of your sixteenth birthday.

Warning! The UFOs will get you in the back of the head (or in the butt) while driving your lawnmower.

Warning! If provoked, your lawnmower will fire upon you at will.

Warning! Your left arm will disappear if you slip in a puddle while wearing unfashionable boots. (And then your lawnmower will laugh at you.)

Warning! Your body will disappear while riding forward and crushing small children, but reappear while going backward and crushing small children.

Warning! Your lawnmower will try to consume you from the legs up.

Warning! Your lawnmower will cut off your appendages.

Warning! Your tires are filled with poisonous arrows that will poke you in the chin if you attach a hose to them.

All the fun is spoiled now. How are we supposed to mow our lawn if we can't do cartwheels off our lawnmower? What are we supposed to tell the children?