Monday, November 15, 2010

Just for a minute let's pretend this is a family journal, not my narcisstic rants about the STUPIDITY of FAULTY, INEFFECTIVE dishwashing detergent. I'm buying a dog to lick my dishes clean. I tried to buy some Lemishine (I'm always looking for new things to add to my Walmart shoppping list. Because I don't spend enough money.), but of course Walmart was sold out. Imagine that. Those people over at Lemishine have never had it so good.

Well to take my mind off of my Phosphorous-Free Dish-Dirtying Detergent I decided to go and scrub my clothes dryer. What? You've never had the personal pleasure of lying on your back on that little tiny dryer door (which you're sure will collapse at any moment) inhaling Comet fumes, cursing Crayola, and scrubbing the bejewels out of your dryer walls? Well I recommend it for everyone as a great way to wind down and relax. After that perhaps you can have a large appliance burning in the backyard. There now. Don't you feel better?

While I was scrubbing the dryer I thought of a few insults to hurl when I'm really mad. Not that I ever get mad. But just in case Mike were on the couch reading a book while I scrubbed the crayon from the dryer and he happened to wander down and say, "You're not supposed to lean on the dryer door like that. It can't take the weight." And then when I threw some gloves at him and told him it was his turn and to make sure he got it off the *%$ top, and he said, "What are you talking about 'the top'?" You do realize that it turns, right?", this is what I might say:

"You piece of Cascade."
"You Cascade Action Gel Pack!"
"May your wife die and your children have infinite crayons in their pockets that are undetected in the laundry."
"May the phosphorous be removed from your dishwashing detergent."
"May you be forced to dial 801 every time you make a local call and may you have to buy Lemishine."
"May you always have to eat off of Cascade-cleaned dishes."
"May all your underwear and white shirts have purple streaks on them."
"You Cascade-loving, Crayon-In-the-Dryer Head!"

Oh yeah,  we were going to pretend this was a family journal. Okay October:
We went up to Mike's Grandma's cabin to see the leaves and had a good time playing in the stream and on the swing.

Hannah loves water and she and Kenz had a great time pretending to be mermaids in the stream. Until they actually got wet. Then it was no fun.

Cute Kenzers. She loved swinging out over the water and wished the zipline were in working order. 

Ohhh Ellie. Maybe if we throw some leaves at you it will look like we are real photographers. Or maybe not. You're still cute though.
 For our next adventure, Hannah and I went on a little ward/Joy school field trip to Black Island Farms. We went on a tractor ride, played on the slides, watched the pig races and had a good time.

Hannah even got to pick her own pumpkin which she colored black.
Next Mike and I went to a high school dance. Okay, it was a murder mystery party. It turns out that I killed Mike with a Rubik's cube. I think he stole the phosphates out of my dishwashing detergent or perhaps he said something about a dryer door. Poor sap. 

Oh how I miss the 80s. They were so bodacious. NOT. Kenzie and Hannah have appropriated my shoes and that vest has a special place in my closet. 

I'd have to say we look hot. The sad thing is that I remember doing my hair just like this. 
Someday I will get to Halloween, probably around Christmastime. Oh the irony.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Stormclouds, Broccoli and Black Holes

Mmm, who wants to eat the peaches on the left? Yeah, me neither. This my friends, is what happens to your peaches if you blanch them incorrectly. Bleck. Super bleck. And it's my own dang fault. I thought that perhaps if I ignored the step of putting peaches in ice water after blanching them, I would save some time. Well that was stupid. So if you ever read my post about canning, let's just pretend I never wrote anything about not putting them in icy water.
Having three children that are awake makes me feel like the mouse in "If you Give a Mouse a Cookie."
I wander around from task to task, never quite accomplishing anything. For instance:   While starting a load of laundry, I remember a few things I want to add to the load. I head upstairs. On my way up the stairs I pick up a piece of paper. It's a postcard saying they autorenewed my Runner's World subscription for way too much money. I start looking for the phone in the couch cushions. Kenzie asks me to read her a story. I do. I find the phone. I call Runner's World. While I am on the phone Hannah asks if she can have some of my lotion. "Sure." I say. I tell Runner's World I can't pay that much money. They give me a sweet counteroffer. Meanwhile Hannah has globs of lotion on every finger and toe. Of course Runner's World wants me to pay right then. I search for my purse. My purse search reminds me to write down that I need diapers. I read the credit card numbers while rubbing a defiant and angry Hannah vigorously. Call completed I try to remember what in the world I came up the stairs for. Oh yes, some more laundry to add to the load. I go into the girls room, I start looking for whites in their laundry. Wait a second this isn't dirty. I start pulling out things I want them to put away. This reminds me that I need to get the 6-9 month clothes down for Ellie. Speaking of Ellie, she is crying and needs to be fed. Now where was that pen? Oh wait, I need to start the washer. 

And it goes on and on.
Next, some letters.

I hate hate hate hate your new formula for Cascade detergent. Using Cascade to wash my dishes is like letting the food sit on them for a few days and then trying to lick them clean and putting them away. It doesn't work. My dishes look like this:

Bring back the phosphates! Which is worse for the environment--detergent with phosphates that works, or washing the dishes three times, trying first to clean the food off the dishes, then cleaning the streaky ugly mess your detergent leaves on my dishes, and then cleaning them again because it's been baked and caked on?

Please sell something that works. Like your old stuff. I loved it.

Dear Walmart--
Congratulations on effectively capturing the color of baby poo on your new diaper decorations. Other than that, love the new slimmer profile.


And now a gratuitous baby picture: