Friday, May 31, 2013

Why I keep this blog (intermittently, but still)

After having a baby, I tend to wander around in my life, lost and purposeless. Reading that sentence, I would think it should be the opposite. Which, of course, makes me feel even worse.

My form of the baby blues, occurs about 4-6 months after having the baby, right when I should be pulling it together. Right when I should have the baby figured out, be wearing my old jeans again, sporting a stylish haircut, and be on top of everything. Right when I should be demonstrating my ability to hold it all together, I lose it.

It usually involves feeling like nothing matters. It feels like I have been cast into space and all stars and pricks of light have disappeared. My baby blues are a void. The closest thing I can summon to an emotion is anger, which seems to flash out from me. And while on the outside I mostly hold it together, I am empty---empty from absence, not empty from not being filled.

During my worst times the blackness piles and piles on me--and I wonder if it is possible to be pressed to death by emptiness.  I tend to lose my sense of humor and instead of finding laughter and commonality and a sense of community with others, I mutter bitterly, "That's so typical of my life." I feel expunged by incessant demands and a frittering away of my soul to menial tasks.

And I forget. I forget that I'm not the only one muddling around. I let my trials loom over me. And then I think about how silly my trials are and I feel guilty for even calling them trials and I beat myself up even more.

I think, "I should write. I should write. I should remember." And then I think, "Why bother?" That becomes my motto. "Why bother?"  I feel powerless. I can't even manage to look presentable.

In the past exercising, a refocus on spirituality, service and goal-setting have helped. But in the moment they feel so silly and pointless. I've made it a year with four kids, and I'm on my way out of this pit; I'm grabbing happiness one rough handful at a time as I climb out of my blues, but I need something to help me keep climbing up from the pit. And I'm choosing writing as my stepping stool. Writing will be my hand hold.

It's been almost 9 months since I wrote my "Summer is Over, Good Riddance" post. It felt bitter and hateful and depressing when I wrote it. Oh so depressing. But, I added the part about not really wanting to remember the bad times, and I posted the good time pictures.

Writing is like a stick on a tightrope, it helps me balance. Writing helps me put things in perspective. Its a reticular activator that reminds me there is good and I choose what I see, what I make of this life. Writing is important.

Purpose and Vision for Excited and Confused Blog, Steph's Space: Connect, Laugh, Dare

1.If you want to be good at something you practice it. This blog is to help me practice my writing, to continue putting one word in front of the other. Anne Lamott said you have to do it "Bird by bird."

2. This blog is a connection to the outside world. It is a jumping off point for conversations with real people. It is a way to connect with other writers, mothers, runners/swimmers/exercisers, women. I can remind myself by blogging that I am not alone--that six-year-olds that have major catastrophe fits, which are awful and hard to deal with, are not unique to me. That other people have trials. That I am not the only sane person here in this house.

3. This blog is a way to keep my sense of humor, to remember that laughing at trials can make them smaller, that laughing burns calories.

How I plan to do this:
I want to start small again, blog once a week at first. Highest hits are on Sundays?
1. How about publishing new content every Friday at 7 a.m.?
2. Content areas: Exercising/Running/Health, Motherhood/Parenting, Writing, Getting out with Kids, Life Survival Skills.
3. Write enough posts to keep me going for a couple months, 8 posts ahead.
4. Instead of eating, I will reward myself during quiet time with blogging. (Maybe eating and blogging, because it is so nice to sit down and eat without doing a stand-up every 10 sec. workout to get things for children)

So now that I've alienated all my readers by not writing for months and months, I'm back at it. Stick around, it's going to be good. :)


Michelle said...

Brava, Steph. Inspirational.

Rachel K said...

I'm glad you're back. I enjoy your writing. Hang in there. Those baby blues can be crushing, but there is definitely a Hand reaching down to help you up.

Amateur Steph said...

Thank you Rachel and Michelle! I'm hanging in there and this blog is going to help me to keep hanging in :)