Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A pregnant woman's daily schedule

4:30 a.m. Wake up. Use the bathroom.
7:00 a.m. Wake up again. Use the bathroom. Because while you were sleeping somehow you managed to consume more liquid and it must come out RIGHT NOW.
8:00 a.m. Tell child if they don't get off the one toilet in the entire house they will regret it for the rest of their lives. Sing "God Bless the USA" for flushable toilets.
10:00 a.m. Sit down to read some stories to the girls after the chores are done. Realize that you have to go RIGHT NOW. Heft yourself up and pee a teaspoon worth.
11:00 a.m. Lunch time, but only after a potty break. During lunch your children will request at least 3 needed items that aren't on the table. Every time you stand up you have to use the potty.
2:00 p.m. Quiet time at last. You've been holding it for awhile trying to get the kids settled. As you go to relieve yourself, a child that takes 40 minutes to poo will be just barely getting on the pot. Try to smile.
2:40 p.m. Yell, "For the love of everything Holy, are you done in there?" Then rush in to use the potty while they are still putting on their pants.
4:00 p.m. Take the kids outside. Realize, surprise, you have to pee. Tell them to not run in the road and dash as fast as your pregnant self can to the toilet, worrying the whole time that the almost-three-year-old will surely die/be kidnapped while you are gone.
5:00 p.m. Spend more quality time in the bathroom.
6:00 p.m. Forbid the kids to leave the table until dinner is over. Leave two times yourself to use the bathroom.
7:00 p.m. From here until bed time use the bathroom every 15 minutes. Even when you've just gone, you'll still need to go.
10:00 p.m Use the bathroom one last time before prayers and bed.
10:05 p.m. Role out of bed just one more time to use the bathroom. Trickle, trickle.
Midnight-Morning: Every time you shift your weight, because if you only lay on your right side something horrible will happen to the baby, realize you have to pee. Stumble blindly to the bathroom to be relieved for the next 10 minutes, at least.

The toilet and I are getting well-acquainted these days.


Alisha said...

Yikes, you must have a TINY bladder. Just think, less than three months! Do the math and that's a LOT of potty time :)

Kathryn-nannygoat said...

Trev just asked me what I am laughing so hard about. Oh man, I totally know how it is! You know you are pregnant when the first thing you do when you go into a store is map out where the bathroom is.
Hang in there!

Hollie said...

So, I've been thinking about having another baby.....but you just changed my mind:)

Krystal said...

Oh goodness do I NOT miss that!

My toilet and I were best friends during my pregnancy. We've since drifted apart, only to see each other on occasion, and I'm ok with that. :)

Anonymous said...

You all must be crazy.