Sunday, December 7, 2008

Don't laugh or I'll get the Vaseline


Once I made the mistake of laughing at Hannah when I told her to, "Come here" and she ran away. Now my stupidity has been rewarded with mischievous smiles and scampers every time I tell her to come.
I understand the implications. I can't set her down in the store or the parking lot. And she weighs a ton. My arms and back are killing me.
And did I say I laughed once? Well I meant multiple times. I tell myself over and over to sober up and be a responsible parent. But then I catch a glimpse of two bare cheeks dashing down the hall after we get her out of the tub, and I try to suppress my smiles, but it is futile.
I say, trying to be stern, "Hannah. It's time to get your jammies on. Come here."
She runs, yelling, "Baby! Baby!" and giggling as if she is the most clever thing since ipods. I did stop laughing when she ran into the living room and crouched down to leave a wet spot. Yeah, that's one I don't laugh at anymore.
I say, "Hannah, Come here. It's time to eat!" And she dashes down the hall like Michael Johnson, saying not so quietly, "Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!"
The other day I kept telling her to come and eat. I know you're supposed to physically act when they don't do what you say, but I was trying to eat my lunch and I was hungry, so I kept yelling down the hallway, "Hannah, lunch. Hannah, if you don't come you don't get to eat. Hannah, come now," while trying to eat and read the paper (I was practicing for a demonstration on non-effective parenting skills). Finally I stood up and walked down the hall to find Hannah in the bathroom, consuming Petroleum Jelly.
I paused in the doorway, evaluating the situation calmly, and yelled, "No Hannah!" She quickly scooped a fingerful into her mouth and tried to swallow as I lunged for the container.
Apparently Petroleum jelly is not delicious, because she gagged it up. Chunks of regular petroleum jelly look disgusting and slimy anyway, so imagine one coming out of a toddler's mouth.
Just to be safe I called Poison Control where they calmly assured me that it would only act as a laxative if she was still breathing. They then collected my information, claiming they would send me a sticker and magnet packet. I suspect that I am now on a list of "Idiot People Who Allow their Children to Eat Petroleum Jelly" which will be used against me when our country goes crazy and Socialists take over.
So I guess I should sober up and stop laughing because it is causing me no end of grief. Any suggestions on how to correct this running away problem?

12 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Oh no! That sounds completely disgusting. Glad she figured that out.

Dreamer said...

I just found your blog on mormon mommy blogs. I just had to comment on this. I have had 3, almost 4 toddlers and this is so typical. Don't worry, by toddler number 4 it really won't be funny anymore so you will not have this prob by then! I just laughed and laughed when i read this. You have a way of writing, girl! Feel free to check out my blog too.

Debbi said...

Oh, how funny. I don't know what to suggets, I wish I knew some great magical answer (but then I would write it in a book and sell it for millions!) This post, however, has made my day! I love it, how funny. Now, when it happens at my house (because it probably will) I will know not to call posion control :)

Loralee and the gang... said...

Same problem here with my little guy. When he was that age, we couldn't take him anywhere that didn't have a shopping cart. One day we found a cute monkey backpack-type 'stuffed animal' that had a 'tail' attached to it. Yes, we strapped that thing to him, took hold of the tail, and off we went! Worked great! Even had to chuckle at the kids who'd say - "look at that kid! He's on a leash!" At least we still knew where he was at the end of the day!
:P

Dreamer said...

I'd love to run the Wasatch back again, but most of my team is either pregnant or have decided not to do it this year. If you are doing it and need another runner I would love to join a team!

Corrine said...

you are too funny...and i can't give any kind of parenting advise...and i too giggle when the little ones run and then when they turn older like um 7 it just gets me upset...yeah not sure...counting around here helps but not sure how old she is....

sorry about the pj swollowing/spitting back up...and i think we are on that list tooo!

came via mormon mommies blogs...
4kidsnodog.blogspot.com

Dustin and Alisha said...

Eating petroleum jelly? That is disgusting! Any results on the laxative effect yet? :)

Dustin and Alisha said...

oh, and I have no suggestions for her running away problem, Sophie never runs away from me, she's an angel! Good luck with that.

Dan and Tori said...

Sorry, no suggestions, as I am completely inexperienced as a parent! However, I love reading your posts (and trying not to laught)!

The King Family said...

4 points for me last week. Thanks.

Hollie said...

I also have a runner who likes to leave wet spots on the carpet before a diaper gets put on. I have no suggestions other than buy a case of Resolve carpet cleaner from Sam's club. It should get you through until she's potty trained.
I think my favorite line from this post is "it will act as a laxative if she's still breathing." I think that will be my new parenting motto, just keep the kids breathing.

Matt and Cris P. said...

I had eight points for last week.