Sunday, December 7, 2008
Don't laugh or I'll get the Vaseline
Once I made the mistake of laughing at Hannah when I told her to, "Come here" and she ran away. Now my stupidity has been rewarded with mischievous smiles and scampers every time I tell her to come.
I understand the implications. I can't set her down in the store or the parking lot. And she weighs a ton. My arms and back are killing me.
And did I say I laughed once? Well I meant multiple times. I tell myself over and over to sober up and be a responsible parent. But then I catch a glimpse of two bare cheeks dashing down the hall after we get her out of the tub, and I try to suppress my smiles, but it is futile.
I say, trying to be stern, "Hannah. It's time to get your jammies on. Come here."
She runs, yelling, "Baby! Baby!" and giggling as if she is the most clever thing since ipods. I did stop laughing when she ran into the living room and crouched down to leave a wet spot. Yeah, that's one I don't laugh at anymore.
I say, "Hannah, Come here. It's time to eat!" And she dashes down the hall like Michael Johnson, saying not so quietly, "Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!"
The other day I kept telling her to come and eat. I know you're supposed to physically act when they don't do what you say, but I was trying to eat my lunch and I was hungry, so I kept yelling down the hallway, "Hannah, lunch. Hannah, if you don't come you don't get to eat. Hannah, come now," while trying to eat and read the paper (I was practicing for a demonstration on non-effective parenting skills). Finally I stood up and walked down the hall to find Hannah in the bathroom, consuming Petroleum Jelly.
I paused in the doorway, evaluating the situation calmly, and yelled, "No Hannah!" She quickly scooped a fingerful into her mouth and tried to swallow as I lunged for the container.
Apparently Petroleum jelly is not delicious, because she gagged it up. Chunks of regular petroleum jelly look disgusting and slimy anyway, so imagine one coming out of a toddler's mouth.
Just to be safe I called Poison Control where they calmly assured me that it would only act as a laxative if she was still breathing. They then collected my information, claiming they would send me a sticker and magnet packet. I suspect that I am now on a list of "Idiot People Who Allow their Children to Eat Petroleum Jelly" which will be used against me when our country goes crazy and Socialists take over.
So I guess I should sober up and stop laughing because it is causing me no end of grief. Any suggestions on how to correct this running away problem?
at 2:05 PM