Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What did you eat this week? (Points post)

Hello contest participants!
I hope you are busy consuming fresh fruits and vegetables, not petroleum jelly, joint compound and toothpaste like my lovely Hannah.
Today, while I was eating breakfast, I heard the door shut. Usually Hannah locks herself into her room and then cries for me to let her out. After one minute I remembered the Petroleum Jelly incident and decided to check on Hannah. The bathroom door was shut. I flung it open to reveal Hannah sucking on the open tube of toothpaste. ARGHHHHH! I put in another call to Poison Control.
Here is my conversation with them:
"Hi my daughter just ate toothpaste."
"What is the brand of toothpaste?"
"Umm, Crest."
"How big is the tube?"
"Normal size. 6.2 oz."
"Do you have any idea how much she ate?"
"No." I have not been keeping tabs on our toothpaste consumption. I guess I will now.
"Half a tube? I'm just trying to get an idea of how much she ate."
"No, not that much." Getting defensive: "I just heard the door shut, and then a minute later I walked in and I could just smell it on her breath." (MMMM, minty fresh Hannah.)
"Well, give her a little drink of milk, which will bind up the flouride, to help her body get rid of it. And then I want you to call me back, my name is Ed, if she has any stomach problems in the next hour or so. Most kids suffer no ill effects from eating toothpaste."
"Okay."
My new friend Ed says, "What's your zipcode?"
Me, warily, "84067"
"And your name?"
Me, pausing. "Well, I already called once this week, and well, ummm, I don't want to be tracked, and so can I just, well, like decline?" (This is where I should have rubbed a plastic sack next to the phone and yelled, "Are you there? Are you there? I can't hear a thing! It's so staticky!" And hung up.)
"Ma'am, we don't track who calls here. You could call us everyday for months and no one would track it. So you can do that, but. . ."
Yeahhhh. Right. I've read those scary DCFS stories where they rip the children from the unsuspecting parents and invade every aspect of their lives only allowing the children to return when they are practically grown ups, and then only for short supervised visits.
"Well."
"If I don't get at least your first name I can't start a case and then you'll have to start all over if you have to call back. No one will track it."
Liar. "Okay, Stephanie."
"And your daughter's name?"
Yeah, they have the number I called from, my zipcode, my first name and my daughter's name and this guy is trying to assure me that no one tracks these things? I can just imagine him cross referencing this call just because I was so weird about giving my information.
"Let's see," he says to himself researching me on the specialized computer tracking system, "First she allowed her daughter to eat petroleum jelly and now toothpaste." He dials DCFS, "Hello Mr. X. I have a psychotic parent for you."
Yes, I'm paranoid like that.
Just for the record, and so Hannah can blame me later for her nervous twitch and other ailments, here's a list of things I have found in her mouth lately: (Yes this list will probably help DCFS build their case against me too)
Petroleum Jelly
Toothpaste
Powdered Sugar (resting on an old banana peel and last night's dinner in the garbage can)
Dried pieces of joint compound
Pennies and Dimes
Wet dish towels that stink
Chalk
Paper

So Mike and I are making a big effort to not leave things around, like the carpet, because that probably looks delicious too.

Anyway, I might as well have been eating toothpaste for all the nutritional value I've received this week.
3 points for eating right, and 3 points for exercise.
How'd you do? (And I meant to offer words of encouragement during these cold and dark months when the cookies are calling to you, not give a sad commentary on my lack of parenting skills. So Go Team! You can do it! Exercise! Eat Right!)

14 comments:

Pavel said...

6 for me

Kristina P. said...

Well, I had a cookie exchage at my place on Saturday. Guess what I've been eating for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Em Russ said...

ha ha ha... can I preorder your book??

Czechers said...

Steph, Val and I loved your post. It gave us flashbacks of the day that Vinson ate a bunch of vaseline, when he was about a year old. We called poison (in the US) from Prague through Skype, so it was during the middle of the night. The poison control people thought we were prank calling them and asked us a bunch of weird questions to see if they thought we were sane or something. Great fun! -Dan and Val

Kathryn said...

Ha Ha Steph. When Hallie was little we also were on a first name basis with poison control, they even sent us some magnets for our fridge and cards for our wallets so we would always have there number on hand when Hallie found something dangerous she wanted to taste (like the mushrooms growning in our yard).
I'm glad to hear about the milk trick since Campbell also loves toothpaste.

Anonymous said...

Ever thought about spreading some toothpaste on those veggies? Hmmm. She certainly has an interesting diet. G-ma B

Melanie J said...

Hilarious. Baby G's current obsession is Kleenex. He eats gobs of it when I'm not looking. He's especially partial to the tissue with Vicks mentholyptus in it. FOUR times he found the tissue box, but it's cold and flu season so I have to keep it convenient. Erg.

JennyD said...

Stepanie!!! Its me Jenny Lynny Mortenseny from WSU- your kids are so cute!! Your blog is soooooooooooo funny. You have always been such a funny gal. It made me miss those fun Weber days. Thanks for making me laugh- love the Poison Control calls. Classic!

Marcie said...

I mean to comment on the previous post but didn't get to it. Sorry, but she is just so cute, and looks so innocent in that picture. I'm glad she is safe, it is good to know that Vaseline is ok to eat. I'll remember that for when one of my boys does it!

Sherrie said...

I'm a regular too. Their own poop, I don't know how much degree deoderant, toothpaste for sure, that glowey stuff in those glow in the dark linking sticks, hundreds of dollars worth of makeup, and that's just this year. Between 4 kids and almost 9 years of parenting, you'd think they would recognise my voice. I have a similar paranoid conversation with the person on the other line every time, and they've never hauled me off, so I think we're safe.

Dreamer said...

This is too funny. I've had to call poison controll twice in the same week (one of which was for toothpaste, too). I felt the same way. Just waiting fo the pound on the door and a mad rush of loud feet running past me to grab my screaming babies and yank them away from me forever and ever. When it had been 3 weeks since I had to call I felt so relieved, and proud that I had gone so long without their assistance, thank you very much. So what is this point system you have going on? Looks fun!

Natalie said...

oh, boy! She is keeping you on your toes!! I am afraid Ryker is going to be the same way. EVERYTHING goes into his mouth. I know a lot of babies do that, but he seems extreme!
Points? Hmmm. Really I didn't keep track last week very well. I had at least 4 days of no sweets. So 4 points for me.

Kim said...

Yay for Poison Control! After reading your post I realized I probably should have called PC after Anya completely smeared herself (and most likely ate) some diaper rash ointment (not cream, OINTMENT). I think I was more worried about how to get that oily, nasty stuff out of her hair.

Cornstarch, by the way. Then dish soap. And a few rounds of shampoo.

And yes, unfortunately, I am wussing (is that a word?)out of the challenge. I have too much going on right now. I know, bad excuse. I plead stress and insanity.

Amber said...

You are seriously SOOO funny! Can I join in the fun after the holidays? I have seriously ramped up my exercise lately but have no desire to eat right until after Christmas. :-)