Hello contest participants!
I hope you are busy consuming fresh fruits and vegetables, not petroleum jelly, joint compound and toothpaste like my lovely Hannah.
Today, while I was eating breakfast, I heard the door shut. Usually Hannah locks herself into her room and then cries for me to let her out. After one minute I remembered the Petroleum Jelly incident and decided to check on Hannah. The bathroom door was shut. I flung it open to reveal Hannah sucking on the open tube of toothpaste. ARGHHHHH! I put in another call to Poison Control.
Here is my conversation with them:
"Hi my daughter just ate toothpaste."
"What is the brand of toothpaste?"
"How big is the tube?"
"Normal size. 6.2 oz."
"Do you have any idea how much she ate?"
"No." I have not been keeping tabs on our toothpaste consumption. I guess I will now.
"Half a tube? I'm just trying to get an idea of how much she ate."
"No, not that much." Getting defensive: "I just heard the door shut, and then a minute later I walked in and I could just smell it on her breath." (MMMM, minty fresh Hannah.)
"Well, give her a little drink of milk, which will bind up the flouride, to help her body get rid of it. And then I want you to call me back, my name is Ed, if she has any stomach problems in the next hour or so. Most kids suffer no ill effects from eating toothpaste."
My new friend Ed says, "What's your zipcode?"
Me, warily, "84067"
"And your name?"
Me, pausing. "Well, I already called once this week, and well, ummm, I don't want to be tracked, and so can I just, well, like decline?" (This is where I should have rubbed a plastic sack next to the phone and yelled, "Are you there? Are you there? I can't hear a thing! It's so staticky!" And hung up.)
"Ma'am, we don't track who calls here. You could call us everyday for months and no one would track it. So you can do that, but. . ."
Yeahhhh. Right. I've read those scary DCFS stories where they rip the children from the unsuspecting parents and invade every aspect of their lives only allowing the children to return when they are practically grown ups, and then only for short supervised visits.
"If I don't get at least your first name I can't start a case and then you'll have to start all over if you have to call back. No one will track it."
Liar. "Okay, Stephanie."
"And your daughter's name?"
Yeah, they have the number I called from, my zipcode, my first name and my daughter's name and this guy is trying to assure me that no one tracks these things? I can just imagine him cross referencing this call just because I was so weird about giving my information.
"Let's see," he says to himself researching me on the specialized computer tracking system, "First she allowed her daughter to eat petroleum jelly and now toothpaste." He dials DCFS, "Hello Mr. X. I have a psychotic parent for you."
Yes, I'm paranoid like that.
Just for the record, and so Hannah can blame me later for her nervous twitch and other ailments, here's a list of things I have found in her mouth lately: (Yes this list will probably help DCFS build their case against me too)
Powdered Sugar (resting on an old banana peel and last night's dinner in the garbage can)
Dried pieces of joint compound
Pennies and Dimes
Wet dish towels that stink
So Mike and I are making a big effort to not leave things around, like the carpet, because that probably looks delicious too.
Anyway, I might as well have been eating toothpaste for all the nutritional value I've received this week.
3 points for eating right, and 3 points for exercise.
How'd you do? (And I meant to offer words of encouragement during these cold and dark months when the cookies are calling to you, not give a sad commentary on my lack of parenting skills. So Go Team! You can do it! Exercise! Eat Right!)