Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Patented Ways to make 20 minutes seem like a lifetime

Is your life flying by too fast? Do you feel as if the kids are growing, you're getting older and time slips through your fingers like money flows through Congress?
Well, here are a few patented ways to slow it down. All inclusive! No water needed! Just add children!

1. Decide you want to go on a 20 minute bike ride. Hook up the bike trailer. Add two children. Listen as one whines the whole way. "I want a drink of water. No I want a drink of water NOW! I want a drinkkkkkkkkk of waaaaaaaater." Meanwhile the other utters a low-pitched wail of sadness the entire time. Watch 20 minutes seem like an eternity.
2. Go to church (which seems to be scheduled during nap/meal time no matter the schedule). Forget to bring treats. Sit through Sacrament meeting, next to a perfectly behaved family, only pardoning yourself four times as you trip over their legs with a kicking, screaming child who finally calms down for the last three minutes. Then watch the clock as the speaker decides to go 10 minutes over discussing the merits of the word of wisdom. 10 min = eternity.
3. The half hour before the spouse comes home, during which you are trying to make dinner, automatically equals an eternity.
4. Go for a ride up the canyon in the car to see the leaves. Listen while one child suddenly screams urgently, "I have to go potty!" Ask her quietly if she can hold it for 15 minutes while you drive to the nearest gas station. Listen all the way down the canyon as she yells, "No I can't hold it. I have to go! I have to go!" Add an insistent yell of "Off! Off!" from your other child, which gradually builds into screams. (You have no clue what your child wants "off" because it is the only preposition your child knows and she demands that you "off" everything.) 15 min = eternity.

Actually, our trip up to Snowbasin was, in memory, quite fun. We just made her pee in the bushes next to a picnic table. Sorry happy picnickers. The snow will wash it away. I know, I know I should enjoy the moments while they are little. And I do. I get as sappy as the next mom when I think about my little girls not wanting to hold my hand or be rocked at night. But it takes a lot of humor to enjoy some moments.

The above picture is on Old Snowbasin Road. Mike and I lamented that soon the route to Snowbasin will be laden with condos and private mansions. Then we lamented that we didn't have enough money to buy the whole mountain. Really, we lamented that our grandparents hadn't been the lucky saps that bought a $10,000 20-acre piece of ground up on the mountainside that would now be worth millions.


Hollyween said...

Crazy! We just took that same drive on Sunday. It rained the whole time so we didn't get out and take cute pictures like you.

You're SUCH a great writer, Stephanie. Love the title because it is OH SO TRUE. But did you hear that part of conference? Ya know, the part where we'll 'miss the fingerprints and the piles of neverending laudry'? Think of that the next time one of those moments come around. And I'll do the same. :)

Debbi said...

oh I seriously about died of laughter from this post. I want to print it out and put it on my fridge! (I did read it out-loud to Wade and he laughed too!) I so love the part about sitting by the perfect family at church. Seriously, it cracks me up.

I miss Utah this time of year, the drives up the canyons. We have lots of mountains here and lots of colors, but the drives just aren't the same.

*MARY* said...

We are that perfect family at church, and don't worry we don't mind irreverence, we're perfect remember?

Hollie said...

You make me laugh! We took a ride up Provo Canyon to Heber City a couple of years ago and the only thing my boys remember about the trip is that they got to pee in a water bottle while Brent fixed a flat tire. Apparently you still have to "Watch for Falling Rocks" when your trying to find a restroom.

ROBYN -N- KEVIN said...

Steph- you are the best. I look forward to reading your posts so could you do it daily for my entertainment? and I did want to steal your little girls, but only if duct tape is involved. :) SO-SO glad mine can't whine yet! :)

joyce said...

oh, so true!!! All of it!!! By the way, there is a guy names Mike at Sherwin-Williams that I actually wondered if it was your husband, they look so much alike. But, alas, it wasn't your husband. Weird!!
Just wondering, has Alisha had her baby yet??

Anonymous said...

I miss the "Autumn leaves" rides and my "little" girls. I think the last time we took one of those rides, your Mom and her sisters ran up the hill and cut some leaves to take home. Within minutes our car was full of aphids. Yuck!
Love your pictures.

Stephanie and Co. said...

Thank you for the compliments and comments everyone!
Joyce- no baby yet. Her due date is on Friday, but we all know how that usually doesn't work out.

Matt & Cris P. said...

Steph- I just love your posts. Do you realize you entertain so many people with your posts. I also loved your post about the girls when you had your cold. I love seeing the cute things that kids do and say. It makes it worth being a mom.