Friday, August 28, 2009

The Mommy Smackdown

Conversations with Kenzie:

"Kenz," I say while driving in the car to her dance class, "we've had a rough day today. What is the problem?"

Kenzie, whining, "I have to work hard and you don't."

My blood pressure rises significantly. "Okay," I say flat lining my lips and adjusting the mirror so I can see her. "Tomorrow, since I don't have to work hard, you can do all the things I do."

My voice develops a slight edge to it as I begin heatedly listing off her chores: "Who does the dishes Kenzie? Tomorrow, you can do them. Who makes sure you have clean clothes? Tomorrow you can wash them. Who gets your breakfast and cooks lunch and dinner? Tomorrow it's your job. Is that hard? Do you think that's hard work?" Now I am warming to my subject, "Oh yeah, who takes you to dance lessons and get you to places? Cause tomorrow you have to get there by yourself. I hope you are excited. Do you think it will be hard?"

"Mom! I can't reach! I can't put things in and add things to cook. I can't. I can't," says Kenzie, still whining but really worried now.

"Is what I do hard work?"

"Yes. Yes. I can't do it."

"Alright then. If you make a mess you can clean it up. And you'll learn to do all those things because hard work is part of living."

Ohhhhhhh! Nothing makes me angrier than ungrateful little people. This conversation was brought to you by the toy room mess that I made Kenzie clean up because she made it all by herself during quiet time. What a cruel, cruel mother I am.

And you know I do have it pretty good. Those things aren't necessarily hard, just repetitive and time consuming. So I don't work hard, and I'll work even less when I fully implement my evil plan to make both Kenzie and Hannah self-sufficient in the ways of laundry, cooking and cleaning. It'll be the good life for me then. I imagine my schedule will go something like this:

10:00 a.m. - Roll out of bed, blog a little
10:30 a.m.-- Eat a meal prepared and catered by my slave children while I read the paper
11:30 a.m.-- Blog some more while my children make my bed and lay out my clean clothes
1:00--Eat a healthy meal once again prepared by my children
1:30--Go shopping for expensive clothing while my children deep clean the house, scrubbing the floors and bathroom fixtures until they shine
4:00 --Get my nails done. Have my slave children feed me grapes that they've grown in our large well-tended garden. Maybe throw in some Facebook time.
5:00--Allow my children, who have groomed themselves and done all the laundry for the day to read me odes to myself while they kiss my hands.
6:00 -- Eat a delicious gourmet meal with Mike, served by our quiet and polite children. They can ask us how our day went.
7:00--Allow my children to read books quietly, but only if they jump up whenever I have a need that must be met, like a glass of water or a delicious chocolate mousse, prepared by hand.
8:00-- Go for a run while they mow the lawn, weed the flowers and install a deck patio.
9:00 --Let the children put themselves to bed after they help me perform my nightly facial.
9:30 -- Fall in to bed exhausted.

Shhh! Don't tell Mckenzie about my plans.


Kristina P. said...

That sounds like the perfect schedule!

Em Russ said...

awesome!! I think I might have to get me a schedule like that!

Natalie said...

You crack me up! That post single-handedly (is that how you spell that!?!) made my day Ü. Good luck. As I've said before, being a stay-at-home mom is the HARDEST full-time job EVER. "Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest difficulty"...that pretty much sums it up. Great post. Loved it!!

The King Family said...

Poor, poor Kenzie!

Kim said...

Sounds like a perfect plan, the one we all dream about. :)

Melissa said...

Oh, Steph, that is soooo funny!!! I like that plan to, can I borrow it after your done!!

Loralee and the gang... said...

Wow! I wish I could live on your planet when that happens!

Rachel Sue said...

Good luck with those plans. Let me know if they work. I've been striving for that goal for the past 6 years and have yet to find the secret. . .

Marcie said...

You are too Funny! I do like the sound of your evil plan though, let me know if you have any success with it.

Amber said...

LOL! If you plan it, it will come!

Stacie Marietti said...

This is funny...Good luck with your plan!!